Basic Skills
Algonquin College
Divorce
by
Paul-Robert Hipkiss
1984
For better or for worse, for richer of for poorer, etc... Isn't that what a priest will say to you or any one couple when married in the house of god? Correct me if I am wrong. But, still, why do more than half of the people who get married, at least in North America, as for a divorce?
First, divorce in law is the action by a court that partially or totally dissolves a marriage. Divorce in the more common sense is a total dissolving of the marriage that leaves both parties free to marry again. In addition, when and if the court grants a divorce, it may also decide how the property of the couple shall be divided, the man must pay alimony to the woman, the woman must pay alimony to the man, and joint-custody of any children within the marriage itself.
Secondly, many sociologists believe that high divorce rates are due at least in part to the high degree of urbanisation and mobility within society. Although some people think that stricter divorce laws would cause the rate to go down, other favour better education in the requirements for a successful marriage and professional counselling of couples considering divorce.
Nevertheless, the moment of separation is a severe shock to most people, even to those who wanted it or expected it. It stuns, disorients, and frightens people because it is a wrenching transition from the known past into the unknown future. The newly separated person has just stepped across the border from the familiar to a land, no matter how bad of a marriage - into the terra incognita of post-marital life as a single person.1 He or she must set foot upon what may appear as a blank space on the map, ignorant of what its inhabitants are like, how newcomers are expected to behave, what dangers lie in wait, or where to turn for comfort and help. No wonder the newly departed unaccountably find themselves in a strange place with idea of where to go or what to do, even if it were to save themselves. Welcome to Divorce Court. Welcome to Canada.
However, what has happened to make the average married couple's chance of divorce more than double that of fifteen years ago and nearly twenty times that of four generations ago? What went wrong for almost eleven million people? Well, having asked these questions, we admit that we cannot fully answer them. For there is far less known about the cause of divorce than appears on the surface. What we read in the newspapers or learn from other popular media is a report on what people swear to in the divorce courts. And people cite as causes whatever the law allows as cause for divorce, as laws change, so do the complaints.
Until a decade ago, almost all the provinces in Canada required that one spouse, ostensibly blameless and wronged, had to sue the other spouse for some serious breach of marital behaviour. Several generations ago, these were commonly drunkenness, desertion, brutality, or adultery, usually on the man's part. But, during the present century, as many provinces came to allow the more "civilised" grounds of mental cruelty or mental suffering, those became the popular charges in divorce cases. More recently, as simple incompatibility and breakdown of the relationship have become admissible grounds. They have rapidly crowded out the old "causes."2
Obviously, legislators do not change the causes of divorce, but they change what people say in court. Incompatibility and breakdown are both "no-fault" grounds, and are valuable developments for they permit people to divorce with dignity, without combat, scandal, or lying under oath, no matter what has happened in a marriage. If it has failed, it is truthful for the partners to claim that the marriage has broken down or that they are just incompatible. However, sociologists, unlike the courts, can tell us a great deal more about the causes of marital breakdown, but in terms of probabilities rather than the specifics of any one couple's woes.
Sociologists tell us, too, increased employment of wives lead to a rise in th divorce rate. It is true, as we have already seen, that greater earning power increases a woman's likelihood of divorcing if she is dissatisfied with th marriage. But the divorce rate among non-working women, while lower than among working women, has been rising steadily, too. Clearly, some more basic answer remains, yet to be given. And so, sociologists have given it, although it is so large and so general that it will seem like no answer at all to most people who are separated of divorced. The sociologists blame industrialisation, a process that began two centuries ago and has transformed the functions of marriage and family life. Basically, the wife used to be the producer of goods (bread, chees, clothing), the performer of essential services (educating the young, ironing shirts, nursing the old and ill). Whereas, the husband was the provider of food or money, the defender, and ruler of his wife and children. And so, a high divorce rate is the outcome of technological developments that have altered the functions of marriage and our expectations of the benefits it should yield. No wonder society has become more accepting of divorce, the churches more tolerant, the laws more liberal. these changes had to take place or marriage itself would have died out, for without divorce, marriage would be grossly unsuited to our modern life.
Nevertheless, there must be a number of questions yet to be answered. Indeed, there are. In my research, I came up with a few examples of events or causes of marital breakdowns in which the ex-spouse plays the villain. A blue-collar woman, let us speak, said that her marriage broke up because "I came home one night to find my husband engaging in a sexual act with another male."3 She had never suspected this tendency in him, nor had she ever felt there was anything wrong with the marriage. But, from then on, she occasionally learned that he was having other homosexual experiences and she became enraged. When, after five years, the anger was too great for her to bare. they separated.
On woman believes that her marriage was fine until her mother-in-law moved into the town. Then, she said, "My husband spent his free time with her discussing me. His business, and other things that a man should discuss with his wife."
Another woman has serious reasons to believe her marriage failed because her husband was a gambler and a liar even from the start. And after a while, he also became a heavy drinker and started seeing other women.
Still, another lady said that her husband was a nervous, high strung type with a tendency towards physical violence; for years, she lived in fear that he would harm her or the children with his fist or his many guns, until one night, he smashed her face and gave her a broken nose, that release her from her contract feeling.
Furthermore, a man wrote, "My wife was such a good mother to the children that she never had time to be a good wife."4
Another complained that his wife left him for another man, and this move was so unexpected and without reason or explanation that he "flipped out" from the effort to understand it and had to be hospitalised for a month.
Notice that not one of these respondents suggest that he or she might have, in any way, contributed to the spouse's undesirable behaviour. However, this is normal, for we all look at ourselves as being perfect without flaws; it is part of our human behaviour. In short, you can see, from the above examples of isolated events or causes to marital breakdown that out of the many reasons why people do divorce, the most common and/or important ones are adultery, cruelty, homosexuality, desertion, habitual drunkenness, conviction for committing a crime, incurable insanity, irreconcilable differences and cruelty in the sense of physical violence. For a better understanding of the cause, it would be wise to take them as individuals and to research them as is.
I shrieked: "Let go! Let go!"5 As he grabbed me by the shoulders and hurled me against the bannister. His face was huge and furious. I was scared. He yelled: "Shut up! Damn you!" and dug his hands into my neck. this is an action of cruelty in the sense of physical violence which could, indeed, lead into incurable insanity. In addition, women have better impulse control and they stop aggressive behaviour before any damage occurs. Because women are more verbal than men, men resort to physical means to support their dominant position. Furthermore, men are physically stronger and therefore are capable of doing more damage to their spouses that their wives can do to them. The Mating Gradient, men should be taller, smarter, physically stronger, older, and son, would support the notion that most men are probably stronger and physically larger than their wives. As a result, it is known that a spouse hitting another spouse occurs in 11% of North American families.6
Equally important, homosexuality is another cause in the leadings of divorce. Not only can men or women, not touch each other and be close physically, even just as friends, but also, they are not allowed to share real emotional intimacy, in most cases. Is caring for another man or woman "homosexual?" In this case, it is up to the spouse, who is not engaged in such an act, to understand him/her, to accept their sexual needs and basically to accept them for what they are and not for what they should have been in the eyes of society. Homosexuality form both sexes, in married couples, have gone up 22% in North American families. Again, this act comes as a shock to the other sex, and often leads to separation.
Desertion, though to a small amount, is one of the causes for divorce. Many people feel unwanted and/or left out when their spouse has gone out, for the evening, to the many bars of our modern cities. Thus, we can see that desertion and habitual drunkenness are commonly related. Moreover, this act can be quite emotionally unsatisfying and can easily lead to an unhappy relationship between the two sexes that will contribute to a break up. These acts, are now 5% in North American families. Consequently, convictions for committing a crime can cause stress in a marriage. The spouse who has not committed a crime is left with the feeling of, what might lay in his/her future? Putting the marriage in a vacuum of where it might lead to. This cause takes place in 18% of most marital life.
Also, adultery is one of the most commonly used excuse in divorce courts today. For some, an affair was accompanied by intense upheavals, profound feelings, and a sense of danger arising from the fear of discovery. For others, their experiences were casual diversions that apparently had little or no effect of their marriages. Affairs, both casual and serious, are increasing among both males and females in the population, but both sexes are still isolated and inhibited. Many believe they are the only married within their community to have had an affair. Most people lack a sexual experience with their spouse. so, the hunt must go on, in order for them to fulfil their sexual needs. Even though, both sexes, sometimes, do not realise that his sexual experience might be found with their own homes. As a result, adultery had reached the 27% mark, and the leading cause for divorce.7
Again, the cause for divorce are yet to be clear to us. The question still lies in "Why?" Let us look at some other causes, out of the few that are known, in the contributions to breakups.
Among all kinds of couples, dissatisfaction and fighting about sexual difficulties is associated with breakups. They may be fighting about anyone of a number of specific issues, including how much sex they are having together. However, we do find any direct association between how my sex a couple has and how long they stay together. People who have sex infrequently are just as likely to have a long-lasting relationship as those who have sex often. It may also be that some of this unhappiness about sex is really unhappiness with the quality of affection that is displayed between the partners. We find that in marriage relationships, a man's ability to be tender and expressive is important in keeping the couple together, sexual differences and preferences can lead into breakups unless solved by the couple.
Also, we come again to the fault of the fast-moving industrialisation, in the leading cause of divorce. All couples argue a lot about money. Couples who had money problems were less likely to remain together. fights about money management were hardest on couples in the early part of their marriage. In most marriages, as we have seen before in the early part of this research, men are, or where, considered to be the provider of money. But, as the Women's Liberation movement is growing, so do the economic themes relating to female interdependence and dependency. It is though that many unhappy wives stay married because they could not maintain a decent standard of living alone. Women who can support themselves, can afford to have higher expectations for their marriage beyond financial security, and because they are more self-sufficient, they can leave if these are not met. So, fighting and unhappiness about levels of income seem to contribute to breakups. Some couples do not suspect being unhappy with the amount of money coming in might be putting their relationship in jeopardy. However, this normal, for most couples get married out of love and not money.
It is important for mankind to understand the causes of divorce, for he or she might learn from them a work toward a better marriage. Even though, we all have bad and good within us, it is up to each other to understand and cope with one another. Another important factor on why we should know about the causes of divorce - or even marriage itself.
Notes
1 The Divorce Experience by Morton Hunt and Bernice Hunt. McGraw-Hill Book Company, New York, 1977 CE, p. 4.
2 Ibid, p. 14.
3 The First Time by Marjorie Rosen. The International Magazine for Men, New York, 1984 CE, p. 70.
4 Ibid, p. 112.
5 Divorce by Nancy Wilkins with Mary Ellen Reese. Wypen Books. USA & Canada, 1977 CE, p. 10.
6 The Cycle of Violence by Suzanne K. Steinmetz. Praeger Publishers, New York, 1977 CE, p. 88.
7 American Couples by Philp Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz. William Morrow and Company, New York, 1983 CE, p. 312
Bibliography
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Blumstein, Philip and Pepper Schwartz. American Couples. William Morrow and Company, New York, 1983 CE.
Grossman, Rochel and Joan Sutherland. Surviving Sexual Assault. Congdon and Weed, New York, 1983 CE.
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